Empathy vs. Sympathy Leader

Hey Dustin, can I talk to you really quick?

This phrase was as sentence of words I heard often in my career, it always brought back memories of a kid who might had been in trouble and needed to talk to someone really fast to get an idea of how to get out of trouble.

However, most times in the situations where the person wanted to talk to me really quick brought sad news.

At first, before I really understood how humans works and emotional intelligence, I could be seen as course, harsh or not too emotional when someone shared news with me. I would give the typical, "oh I am sorry to hear" or if it was looking for advice, I would give an answer that really wasn't helpful nor seemed like I cared.

Now, in some cases as a leader it is appropriate to show just sympathy and let them know that you are sorry for the situation they are facing. You have to know how to read the situation, but more often in my case, the person was looking for me to be empathic. They were looking for someone who could relate and help talk through what they were going through.

What really is the difference and why did it matter?

Think of empathy as giving a hug, and while you are giving that hug, you are embracing that person by letting them know that you (personally) have been here before and that they will make it through. It's sharing the experience with them, it's letting them know that pain that they are feeling, you have felt before as well. It's establishing a connection with them to help them and guide them.

Apply this to leadership, if you are a leader of any sort, people work for you. When people work for you than you must understand that life will happen for those people. Most leaders do understand this concept but often forget to apply the "human" aspect of it. I think most feel it is a gray line that doesn't need crossed, or some feel that the person may not want to know comfort. I will tell you, 9 out 10 times I found that our teams and employees want us to help them. They feel that we can offer some form of knowledge, guidance or help during a rough part of their life.

Majority of my career was learning to become a psychologist and therapist, and I do not mean in a harmful way whatsoever. I had to begin to understand how important it was that I took time to listen to my team when they needed me the most. That was the best relationship builder tool I used, I let my guard down and I just shared the pain with them. I followed up and ensured I kept that person at the top of my thoughts and conversations until they felt they were ready to move forward with the situation.

The advice I want you to take away, especially if you're in a leading position is fully learn the difference between being an empathic leader vs. sympathetic. I know it may feel uncomfortable and seem off to you at first to share your personal failures or same situations but that connection you establish will be more worth wild in the future. Let your team know that you share the pain with them, and they do not have to fully haul of it alone. You are there to embrace them and hold the pain up with them.

People work for people.... there is no secret sauce here.